One of the main reasons people have for not opening up is that they’re afraid to be rejected. When someone who doesn’t feel comfortable opening up actually tries to, they get rejected in the worst possible way, emotionally, and don’t feel comfortable trying again.
But there is a better way.
The best way to get her to open up emotionally is to ask her how she feels. Ask her what she’s thinking about what you did together.
Let her get mad. Please don’t ask her why she’s mad or what happened or why it’s bad or whatever. Just ask her what she’s thinking about it.
See if she lets it out.
I suggest that the next time you do this, instead of just walking away and calling her on it, ask her if she wants to talk about it, with you, in private. Let her know she doesn’t have to let it out and that you won’t reject her and then call her out when she gets mad.
See if she’s open to that. If not, no big deal.
If she is open to talking in private, ask her what she’s thinking. When you’re both sober, you should be able to discern what her real thoughts are, and what she’s trying to conceal, or what’s going on with her.
Talk about what she’s going through
You can also ask her if she’s having this reaction because of a recent event, “What happened?” and then allow her to get all the details out, both about what happened and what you did together.
At the same time, you want to watch her, and if she’s starting to slip, if she’s becoming flustered, start slowly backing away.
You might say something like this: “I’m actually going to take off. I want to finish this talk another time when I’m sober.
But I really enjoyed our talk, and I hope we can hang out again sometime soon.”
Stay and listen
If she loses it completely, stop walking, and go sit down. If she stands there, looks at her, and takes a deep breath, and then becomes flustered again, and runs away, either outside the restaurant, or you can do the same.
Just don’t get in the middle of whatever it is she’s trying to hide. Just let her have her freak out and stop walking away.
Stay in the restaurant and have your dinner, and when she gets back, if she doesn’t want to talk, you can tell her that you’re really sorry, you really enjoyed talking to her, but you just had to go and ask her if you can pick her up some food on the way back.
Then, walk back to the bus stop. If she stays in the restaurant, go outside and wait for the bus to come back. If she’s out in the parking lot, wait for her to come back.
Keep in mind; she may become more communicative in the future. If you didn’t handle the emotional intensity right, and you’ve tried to get her to open up and tell you her feelings and emotions, then she may eventually open up to you.
If you can keep her from shutting down when she’s under pressure and control the situation, you can get her to open up to you.
Or if she doesn’t, you can always try one of the other techniques. But you shouldn’t just drop her, either.
If she doesn’t open up to you, see if she’ll at least let you know what’s going on. But she should open up eventually; just keep watching her and see how she is.
If she does, take the opening to talk to her in private. Just don’t go back to the previous situation, at least not yet.
The moment you are ready, go back and open it up again.
Understand her thoughts and emotions
Her true thoughts are likely the cause of the sudden emotional explosion, and she’s just trying to get out what’s going on. She may be angry, depressed, disappointed, having thoughts of self-harm, afraid of the future, thinking about her parents, thinking about her siblings, wanting to be intimate with you, thinking about her family, thinking about her friends, she’s conflicted, experiencing abandonment, insecurity, the list goes on.
Just get a hint of what’s really going on, and ask her. You can’t fix what you don’t know is wrong.
If she’s receptive, you might ask her to be honest and allow you to see her true thoughts and feelings. If she’s not, then you need to take a step back and distance yourself.
It would help if you respected her boundaries and shut down that communication.
The problem is that it seems like the man can’t handle the emotional intensity, so he runs away. But it’s really the woman who is the one shutting down and withholding information.
But she may really have something wrong. Maybe she’s just having a bad day, or she’s got a lot on her mind, maybe she’s drunk, or she’s suffering from some psychological trauma, or somebody is attacking her she’s close to.
I would suggest that you leave her alone and keep watching her. Maybe you can get a clue about her problem if she’s shutting down and starting to have an emotional outburst.
But keep in mind that you don’t need to have a particular insight to try talking to her.
The more you know about her, the better. In this case, have an open mind and listen to what she has to say.
When you get a clue, it’s good to try to put yourself in her shoes and try to see what you’d be feeling in that situation. That way, you can better understand her and ask better questions so that you can connect to her.
The thing is, you’ll probably only be able to understand her if she tells you about it herself. So if she’s shutting down and refusing to talk about it, you won’t be able to get a clue.
The only thing you can do is just stay silent and not respond in any way.
But if you listen to her and hear the truth behind the emotion, you’ll be able to figure out what’s going on with her. If she’s shutting down because she’s not with you, or not in a certain mood, or she’s in the middle of a bad time, then you need to let her know that you’re there for her but that you can’t connect; right? Now.
It would help if you separated yourself from her because you’ll be able to have more insight into her and connect with her much better when you’re not emotionally involved.
In that case, if you see signs that she’s shutting down more or things get worse, then you may need to bring up the topic with her and see if you can get her to open up. Suppose she’s open to talking, great.